Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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