I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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