Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
