I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
