i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
