Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
