What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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