I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
