She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
