Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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