Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
