Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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