It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
