Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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