My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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