Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize