I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
