i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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