The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
