I am spending my child support on dildos
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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