i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
