apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
