Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
