i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
