hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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