please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
