Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
