actually, I'm a sock model
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You ruined the universe
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
