just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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