community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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