i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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