I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
