cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
