NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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