Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
