I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
