im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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