I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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