I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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