turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't deserve a penis
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
