My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
