I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Less talking, more tequila
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
