why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
