i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize