he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
