Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
