Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
