dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
