Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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