i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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