watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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