can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
