i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
