if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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