Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
