Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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