Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize