Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
40s are totally the cure
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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